Maria and Sarah
Shammi and Vanessa
Carsten and Katrine
Tova
Debbie
Ulrik
Steve
Gillian and Anabelle
Charlotte
Manish
the community of axladitsa-avatakia
and nora
for holding me through my rite of passage...
7 June 2007, Kucukkuyu, Turkey
I am back to where I started. sitting by the aegean sea across lesbos island, two feet up trying to ease my swollen feet. they look like elephant feet, worrying me a little bit and I also know they are the invitation to take care of myself in whatever situation I am. they are the invitation to sense and experience the world rather from a different perspective, not through the head, not even through the heart but through the only part of my body that is in constant connection with the world. dear feet that carry me in the world, that hold me on the ground...
a swollen heart is much worse than swollen feet. recently my swollen heart was tended and healed by a particular community in a healing place called Axladitsa-Avatakia. Axladitsa-Avatakia (which means little pear tree that grows in difficult places) is a wonderful 24 acre peace of land in Pelion, Greece which is co-guardianed by Maria and Sarah, my dear friends, and some other people including me. I spent the last 5 weeks there which turned out to be one of the most powerful shifting points in my life and from which I came out as a different being.
the journey started by being invited to "Art of Learning Centering" hosted by Berkana Exchange (an organization that supports learning centers around the world), a fantastic opportunity for me and Nora to explore our intention of creating a learning center in Turkey. beyond that it was also a personal journey of diving into an experiment and exploration of being a part of a learning and evolving translocal community with 45 people from all over the world. a community that is constantly in search of understanding its collective purpose, intelligence and power and how to put those in service of life. a community, consciously growing to wholeness and trying to remain aware of its wholeness. a community that allows the shadows to walk in when it is time, puts light on them and transform them with healing acceptance and openness. This was the essence of my experience with the "art of learning centering" and beyond all the practical stuff I think this whole experiment is about the evolution of human kind to its next level of consciousness and I am absolutely in awe and appreciation of this community for being in this journey. the invitation of Axladitsa-Avatakia for healing to wholeness resonated with my soul even before I became aware of it I think. something in me said yes and things started unfolding from there. the experience of human interactions in full-blown intensity allows one see many core beliefs, assumptions and patterns about one's own life. Within the intensity of Berkana gathering, I experienced the loss of an intimate relationship with which my "so-called" life slipped away through my hands. the relationship which I had made the foundation of my life and well-being left me with no-thing except actually everything. the deadend in the labyrint.
THE WAKE UP CALL
it was like waking up from a dream. for the first time in my life I had no choice but to see my tendency to consume myself to no-thing, to the degree of numbness. Before it has never been so complete, I think I always had gotten away with it but this time I really fell into no-thing-ness head over. Loosing a relationship which turned out to be (seemingly) the loss of everything (seemingly) and finding myself suddenly with no home, no job, no work, no money, no future plans, no projects, oh God, not even a purpose, I was absolutely terrified and trembling with fear. Having been someone who always knew what she wanted and where she was going, this seemed like an enormous tragedy, a nightmare! not only that but I had to also struggle through my own shadow of being a "loser". the only thing I kept repeating was I don't know.
I don't know.
I DON'T KNOW
my first encounter with Buddhism was through a Zen school whose founding master's main teaching was "only don't know!". I used to repeat these three words during my meditations over and over again, obviously not being able to internalize what it all meant. now I feel blessed that I have been given a chance to live it!
As I surfaced my fears while watching the illusion of my life to fall apart, I started feeling liberated and somewhat lighter. the self-will that imposes its demands fiercely and turns one's life into one hell of a roller-coster has silenced in the spaciousness of not knowing.
When I bowed in front of Durga (in Hinduism Durga is the supreme Goddess which is the embodiment of feminine and creative energy) on the top of the hill and asked her to help me surrender and let go of which doesn't serve me or life, I hadnt expected such a powerful and quick answer to my prayer. I was invited to no-thing-ness which slowly transformed from a nightmare to a healing opportunity. Stripped from layers of false identity and letting go of attachments and even many fundemental things in my life (except my deepest intention of serving life and healing to wholeness), I heard the invitation of be-ing, witnessing; slowly stepping into the great mystery. For the first time in my 32 years of life, I felt the release of the expectations (by others, family but mostly myself) of be-coming something (anything), the release of ambitions and even the most heart- and soul-felt intentions and ideals and the tension that lies in the distance between be-ing me and be-coming. the universe that I had tied around me and my relationship first quickly turned into a planet of my own and then slowly the other elements of a real colorful universe started appearing: the sea, the fish, the wind, dear friends, the moon, the train journey, writing, sleeping, meditating, drawing...living and moving in no-thing-ness became living in the now and being present to what is. and that was a deeply embedded pain at first.
my first encounter with Buddhism was through a Zen school whose founding master's main teaching was "only don't know!". I used to repeat these three words during my meditations over and over again, obviously not being able to internalize what it all meant. now I feel blessed that I have been given a chance to live it!
As I surfaced my fears while watching the illusion of my life to fall apart, I started feeling liberated and somewhat lighter. the self-will that imposes its demands fiercely and turns one's life into one hell of a roller-coster has silenced in the spaciousness of not knowing.
When I bowed in front of Durga (in Hinduism Durga is the supreme Goddess which is the embodiment of feminine and creative energy) on the top of the hill and asked her to help me surrender and let go of which doesn't serve me or life, I hadnt expected such a powerful and quick answer to my prayer. I was invited to no-thing-ness which slowly transformed from a nightmare to a healing opportunity. Stripped from layers of false identity and letting go of attachments and even many fundemental things in my life (except my deepest intention of serving life and healing to wholeness), I heard the invitation of be-ing, witnessing; slowly stepping into the great mystery. For the first time in my 32 years of life, I felt the release of the expectations (by others, family but mostly myself) of be-coming something (anything), the release of ambitions and even the most heart- and soul-felt intentions and ideals and the tension that lies in the distance between be-ing me and be-coming. the universe that I had tied around me and my relationship first quickly turned into a planet of my own and then slowly the other elements of a real colorful universe started appearing: the sea, the fish, the wind, dear friends, the moon, the train journey, writing, sleeping, meditating, drawing...living and moving in no-thing-ness became living in the now and being present to what is. and that was a deeply embedded pain at first.CARE & HEALING
During the second gathering at Axladitsa-Avatakia, we had a powerful conversation about pain and healing as we gathered around listening to the land and hearing the calling purpose of this sacred place.
I think the most wonderous thing about pain is the fear, the resistance to acknowledge it. so holding it, holding it, holding it until it is unbearable and it just rips your chest off and comes out in to the world. We walk around carrying and growing and growing the pain inside our boddies. then suddenly healing is called, healing comes. the same day of the conversation about the pain, something I have been carrying with me obviously a long long time has been acknowledged by my whole being, it came to consciousness after a long journey through the dark and complicated hallways of the unconscious: the pain of not caring, not being cared for. care-less-ness of others, parents, friends, lovers but most of all of myself for myself. the acknowledgement of my pain was a very bodily experience in which I felt my center (my hara) vibrating, trembling, shaking. This vibration then progressed to my whole body, leaving me numb, not able to breathe properly and very very scared. at which point I called Sarah to help/guide me through this experience. With her healing touch and witnessing and witnessing of Nora, Carsten, Tova and a wonderful, loving community and being held by Axladitsa-Avatakia I released that pain, that enormous pain and I almost felt my cakras being re-aligned within my body. and then a deep, soothing, caring peace...
During the second gathering at Axladitsa-Avatakia, we had a powerful conversation about pain and healing as we gathered around listening to the land and hearing the calling purpose of this sacred place.
I think the most wonderous thing about pain is the fear, the resistance to acknowledge it. so holding it, holding it, holding it until it is unbearable and it just rips your chest off and comes out in to the world. We walk around carrying and growing and growing the pain inside our boddies. then suddenly healing is called, healing comes. the same day of the conversation about the pain, something I have been carrying with me obviously a long long time has been acknowledged by my whole being, it came to consciousness after a long journey through the dark and complicated hallways of the unconscious: the pain of not caring, not being cared for. care-less-ness of others, parents, friends, lovers but most of all of myself for myself. the acknowledgement of my pain was a very bodily experience in which I felt my center (my hara) vibrating, trembling, shaking. This vibration then progressed to my whole body, leaving me numb, not able to breathe properly and very very scared. at which point I called Sarah to help/guide me through this experience. With her healing touch and witnessing and witnessing of Nora, Carsten, Tova and a wonderful, loving community and being held by Axladitsa-Avatakia I released that pain, that enormous pain and I almost felt my cakras being re-aligned within my body. and then a deep, soothing, caring peace...
WHAT IS THE REAL SOURCE OF YOUR POWER?my dear friend Carsten offered me his "unfolding cards" and the first card I pulled gifted me this question: what is the real source of your power? with the exuberation of my recent experience of re-uniting with myself, I initially screamed out loud "myself! me! I am the real source of my power". it took me a few minutes to get over the arrogance and add in "the oneness, the interconnectedness, the web of life, the divine, the universe, the whole which I am part of as well, the mystery". I think this is a very powerful question whichI would like to offer to both Berkana Exchange community as well as the community that is gathering around Axladitsa-Avatakia: what is the real source of power of our community?
STOP AND THE WORLD WILL COME TO YOU
When all was over at Axladitsa-Avatakia, or seemingly over, after both meetings were finished and most people left, there were still a few of us hanging out in a mellow rythm of a beach-food-tarot paradise. and life kept revealing itself, magic and mystery in midst of us, specifically for me. In the no-thing-ness, stillness and simplicity, the cultivated learning was harvested, clarity and strength returned, and most importantly joy of life. In one of the the night-after conversations, Gillian was telling us her story, almost winking at me I felt, of doing as little as possible and living wherever she happens to be. "stop" she said, "don't try to improve anything, don't strive, don't rush and so life will rush into you". I had this tingling sensation on top of my head as she was speaking because this was resonating so deeply. I had let go of so much, the dear old no-thing-ness, I was feeling like an empty cup which I asked the great mystery to fill. but I also had no rush really, for the first time again, to fill my life with meaning and purpose. living already is meaningful and purposeful! I was and am quite keen on sitting in not-knowing no-thing-ness and witness and heal and let the great mystery to emerge through me. let life rush into me rather than me (c)rushing into it. I would like to keep the spaciousness of "I don't have to be or to become or to do anything" and I believe from that spaciousness, the authentic, real action may come forth.
When all was over at Axladitsa-Avatakia, or seemingly over, after both meetings were finished and most people left, there were still a few of us hanging out in a mellow rythm of a beach-food-tarot paradise. and life kept revealing itself, magic and mystery in midst of us, specifically for me. In the no-thing-ness, stillness and simplicity, the cultivated learning was harvested, clarity and strength returned, and most importantly joy of life. In one of the the night-after conversations, Gillian was telling us her story, almost winking at me I felt, of doing as little as possible and living wherever she happens to be. "stop" she said, "don't try to improve anything, don't strive, don't rush and so life will rush into you". I had this tingling sensation on top of my head as she was speaking because this was resonating so deeply. I had let go of so much, the dear old no-thing-ness, I was feeling like an empty cup which I asked the great mystery to fill. but I also had no rush really, for the first time again, to fill my life with meaning and purpose. living already is meaningful and purposeful! I was and am quite keen on sitting in not-knowing no-thing-ness and witness and heal and let the great mystery to emerge through me. let life rush into me rather than me (c)rushing into it. I would like to keep the spaciousness of "I don't have to be or to become or to do anything" and I believe from that spaciousness, the authentic, real action may come forth.
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2 comments:
Very cool Filiz. I was with Maria and Sarah this week and Kairi and Piret were with us too. We had a ball and I thought of you. Didn't know you were in Axladitsa...sounds like a great time for you.
Lovely poost
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