When I look back, last three years collapse into one another and extend into eternity in my mind. I am a little relieved that we waived goodbye to 2007 which has been quite a challenging year for me. In fact I am in awe with myself about my capacity of dealing with so much change, with my ability of receiving regardless of the quality of experiences and with my inherent trust in emergence. I feel like I completed a cycle in which my soul was so malnourished in the deep dark forest of growing and empowering myself, my initiation. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, in her enlightening book “women who run with the wolves” writes about a woman’s initiation: "we can be smart in the ways of the world, and yet almost every mother’s daughter, if given half a chance, chooses the poor bargain at first. The making of this awful bargain is a matter of enormous and meaningful paradox. Even though choosing poorly could be seen as a pathologically self-destructive act, it far more often turns into a watershed event that brings vast opportunity to redevelop the power of the instinctive nature. In this respect, though there is loss and sadness, the poor bargain, like birth and death, constitutes a rather utilitarian step off the cliff planned by the Self in order to bring a woman deep into her wilderness" (Chapter 14: La Selva Subterranea: Initiation in the underground forest)
No other words can describe my experience of last three years so well: entering into a relationship that took me farther and deeper than I imagined, both in joy and pain, took me right down to the underground forest which turned into a journey to my Self. And somehow I knew all along that it was all planned by the Self in the first place. The end of 2007 marked a significant completion for me in this sense. A phase within a phase came to an end. As the life’s cycle continues, so do a woman’s cycles of growing, learning, healing, evolving. There will be more initiations, more stories, more bargains, more steps towards the Self…
Amongst all the letting go and chaos in 2007, love shone like a marvelous star. Although it took its toll on me, I have seen how far and deep I can love, how bold and fierce I can be, how for love one can move the mountains, how much power, hope and courage love can embody. I also saw how the deep and far love, the magnitude of it can cause resistance, stir up fears, can be even oppressive at times. So loving is not enough, loving with awareness is the way.
I started this year cooking, so I hope I will cook away the whole year, collecting good, hearty, healthy ingredients, creating flavors, nourishment in the company of good people!
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