mirrors and projections

I am sitting on a terrace and watching the rain falling on Kaz Mountain. It’s raining hard as if the rain wants to wash away the suffering of last summer, all signs of dryness, and saturate the thirsty earth, nature and people. It is a gorgeous picture with the mountains immersed in mist, appearing between real and dreamlike…

I am sitting with full awareness that I am not the same person I was a year ago. Sure we always change, sometimes little by little, sometimes we are invited to make big leaps by life. What seemed real to me a year ago now seems like a distant dream and what seemed like a distant possibility has become my reality. The transformation came with its pain and gifts, a lot of teeth-grinding, however here it is and all I can do now is trying to flow with it gracefully. Life keeps throwing me back at myself to stand on my two feet firm on the ground and reminds me gently that these lessons are for me to learn and grow into my wholeness.

I have left my “sacred hoop” 2,5 years ago to step into a relationship and I have abandoned myself. It’s a bit silly really but then I didn’t know that of course! I am grateful that I experienced it fully and now working on distilling the essence of my learning. This is a very important phase: it is becoming clear to me why and how and suffering turns into compassion as I see more clearly each day.

“…The major shadow aspect of the visionary archetype is self-abandonment. Human beings universally abandon themselves for five major reasons: for someone’s love; for someone’s acceptance and approval; to keep the peace, to maintain balance; or to stay in the state of harmony. When we abandon ourselves for someone’s love, pretending to be other than who we are in order to get someone’s love, acceptance or approval, it is a form of self-abandonment…”
says Angeles Arrien in her book “the four fold way”.

Hmmm…
A relationship is just like that: it is the reproduction of a life situation that challenges us most, that helps us grow, should we choose to learn with it rather than running from it. And this is why some encounters are so strong, there is something significantly important for partners to learn together. Many times we wondered how despite the intensity of challenges between us, we have felt strongly being on this path together and the invitation of co-creation of something undefined yet.

I often expressed it in my writings and poems such as this one:

what have I recognized in you

so strong, so urgent

sailed into your ocean in the eye of the storm

without a split second hesitation

well, turns out we were split-mirroring each other.
“…For some indigenous peoples, those who are mirrors for us become our teachers, and demonstrate ways that we may reclaim authenticity by speaking with spirit tongue.
These societies believe each person can be either a clear mirror, a smoking mirror or a split mirror. Clear mirrors are individuals who we idealize or believe that we cannot be like; smoking mirrors are individuals with whom we have difficulty and hope that we are not like them in any way; and split mirrors are people who we like and admire, yet we experience fear and constriction in their presence.
The psychological term for these diverse kinds of mirrors is projection. We know a projection is at work when there is an energetic charge. Projections are unclaimed self-perceptions. Projections are parts of ourselves that are on their way home, yet still disown ed. We find it more comfortable to have these aspects outside of ourselves, rather than to embrace them as a part of who we are…” (The Four-fold Way, Angeles Arrien)

Ok then. It is sort of a relief to be able to name one’s experience. With Nora’s decision to move to Greece and follow her path, it finally dawned on me it was time to shift: step back into my sacred hoop. I had abandoned myself far too long. I finally let myself flow with the current, exhausted trying to swim against it for a long time.
Now I turned the page and I am looking at the view in front of me. Every moment radiates with possibility and creativity and the world is rushing back at me. We finally removed the form of relationship which had become a void where all creative energy was leaking into and although it is painful, it is liberating.
It is like the sunshine reappearing through the clouds after a storm.

a still sky,
a still sea,
a still heart…