March 8, 2006
Objects in mirror are closer than they appear
It’s raining out there and I am trapped in an office trying to support ecological living. Sometimes the irony of it hits me hard as I look from the window to a hand-size of blue sky beyond the rooftops and then back to the screen of my computer and I wonder why I am not outdoors, on the land, by the water, under the blue sky. Am I really helping out anything by sitting in an office all day and spending hours sending emails, defining goals, writing reports?
Sad dichotomy of my current life…
These days life to me seems like a naughty clown, with a suitcase full of little devices and teasers, and you never know which trick he is going to pull on you next.
Just like Istanbul’s weather…last week spring had arrived, now it is snowing.
Since I arrived to Turkey, things have been pretty much flowing, as I had imagined them. I found work and a flat I like, I have been meeting interesting people, I already co-hosted my first open space in Turkey, I started learning drumming, and I even found an accordion player recently. Quite a good turnout for the first three months.
Though, not everything turned out to be as shiny as they seemed. Trying to work in a new work environment and to get used to “the way things work” in Turkey has been really challenging and exhausting at times. Everyone and everything seems to move in a great rush from one place to another, creating a great circle of delayed promises and unfinished business. Therefore, there is a constant busyness around, with lots of chaos but little production. My effort to see my homeland with unprejudiced eyes worked until a certain point; when I start dealing with people face to face in everyday life and I notice that I am already forming new judgments based on the patterns I observe. A few weeks after I joined Bugday, there has been a sudden structural change with which a visible hierarchy was introduced. Which naturally left me a little disheartened since I had not expected to be welcomed by a system I longed to have left behind. Well, at this point naughty clown was laughing hard at me(!). I held my breath and stood still to figure out what is there to learn for me.
Whatever we do, whatever we achieve, it still is very important for me HOW we do that. The process or journey of doing something is as important –if not more- as getting results. I have a hard time internalizing doesn’t-matter-how-we-do-it-as-long-as-we-get-things-done approach that seems to be the trend here.
In those very rare occasions where I experienced interactive, self-organizing, non-hierarchical and circular way of working together, it was incredible! Both in terms of self-fulfillment and the quality of the work….with a few simple principles, willingness to listen and to open one’s heart, this is possible.
I am a woman
I had never been so aware of women’s day before, somehow 8 March 2006 feels different than any other 8 March. I woke up thinking today is women’s day, laying in my bed and feeling different. How come so?
I claim more dignity for who I am. Not only as a woman but as a whole being. I no longer want to spill myself all over the place, wear down my soul and heart...for the longest time I have been confusing being available and giving everything I can with loving, caring, being compassionate. I think real compassion is being able to say no as well as saying yes. It is inviting and supporting as well as being able to turn around and walk away. Guiding gently and letting be instead of imposing and demanding.
The feminine quality that we have received from mother earth, the quality of providing, nurturing, supporting, motherhood which is ingrained in all women is the base of my attitude. Though sometimes, this instinct of fulfilling the other rises from a gap within I feel, from a lack of self worth. Then it becomes a sort of an acute, overwhelming giving which overrides the need of the receiver. It is that delicate balance between giving and receiving, interfering and letting be, doing and being, activity and stillness I find myself often struggling with…
So today I pick up my pieces here and there, straighten my back and claim my self-worth, still keeping my heart open and expanding the edges of my presence.
It is a good day to do that.
I hope you too cherish your beautiful selves, today and every day.
Objects in mirror are closer than they appear
It’s raining out there and I am trapped in an office trying to support ecological living. Sometimes the irony of it hits me hard as I look from the window to a hand-size of blue sky beyond the rooftops and then back to the screen of my computer and I wonder why I am not outdoors, on the land, by the water, under the blue sky. Am I really helping out anything by sitting in an office all day and spending hours sending emails, defining goals, writing reports?
Sad dichotomy of my current life…
These days life to me seems like a naughty clown, with a suitcase full of little devices and teasers, and you never know which trick he is going to pull on you next.
Just like Istanbul’s weather…last week spring had arrived, now it is snowing.
Since I arrived to Turkey, things have been pretty much flowing, as I had imagined them. I found work and a flat I like, I have been meeting interesting people, I already co-hosted my first open space in Turkey, I started learning drumming, and I even found an accordion player recently. Quite a good turnout for the first three months.
Though, not everything turned out to be as shiny as they seemed. Trying to work in a new work environment and to get used to “the way things work” in Turkey has been really challenging and exhausting at times. Everyone and everything seems to move in a great rush from one place to another, creating a great circle of delayed promises and unfinished business. Therefore, there is a constant busyness around, with lots of chaos but little production. My effort to see my homeland with unprejudiced eyes worked until a certain point; when I start dealing with people face to face in everyday life and I notice that I am already forming new judgments based on the patterns I observe. A few weeks after I joined Bugday, there has been a sudden structural change with which a visible hierarchy was introduced. Which naturally left me a little disheartened since I had not expected to be welcomed by a system I longed to have left behind. Well, at this point naughty clown was laughing hard at me(!). I held my breath and stood still to figure out what is there to learn for me.
Whatever we do, whatever we achieve, it still is very important for me HOW we do that. The process or journey of doing something is as important –if not more- as getting results. I have a hard time internalizing doesn’t-matter-how-we-do-it-as-long-as-we-get-things-done approach that seems to be the trend here.
In those very rare occasions where I experienced interactive, self-organizing, non-hierarchical and circular way of working together, it was incredible! Both in terms of self-fulfillment and the quality of the work….with a few simple principles, willingness to listen and to open one’s heart, this is possible.
I am a woman
I had never been so aware of women’s day before, somehow 8 March 2006 feels different than any other 8 March. I woke up thinking today is women’s day, laying in my bed and feeling different. How come so?
I claim more dignity for who I am. Not only as a woman but as a whole being. I no longer want to spill myself all over the place, wear down my soul and heart...for the longest time I have been confusing being available and giving everything I can with loving, caring, being compassionate. I think real compassion is being able to say no as well as saying yes. It is inviting and supporting as well as being able to turn around and walk away. Guiding gently and letting be instead of imposing and demanding.
The feminine quality that we have received from mother earth, the quality of providing, nurturing, supporting, motherhood which is ingrained in all women is the base of my attitude. Though sometimes, this instinct of fulfilling the other rises from a gap within I feel, from a lack of self worth. Then it becomes a sort of an acute, overwhelming giving which overrides the need of the receiver. It is that delicate balance between giving and receiving, interfering and letting be, doing and being, activity and stillness I find myself often struggling with…
So today I pick up my pieces here and there, straighten my back and claim my self-worth, still keeping my heart open and expanding the edges of my presence.
It is a good day to do that.
I hope you too cherish your beautiful selves, today and every day.
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1 comment:
Lovely. Lovely to see a photo of you and to have the gift of travelling a little in your place of practice. When the snow melts, I wish you a happy summer.
And I mean that mystically too.
:-)
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