Ending a season

September 10, 2005

Ending a season…

Closure at the Shire…precious little moments…reflection on a wonderful summer…what is next?

Sun is setting at the Shire...I am sitting by the fire. Piret is roasting marshmallows…a typical Shire evening, only that this is our last evening here, at least for a while.

I have been trying to figure out how I feel about leaving, about this experience coming to an end…Habitually, I expect a certain degree of sadness, attachment, a resistance of letting go of this place. Yet, I feel quite light, serene and ready to go. I love this place, its beauty, harmony, magic, peace, stillness, silence, diversity…I am grateful for all the gifts that Shire has given me, from the moment I arrived until the moment I will leave. And even in the end, I am thankful for the lightness it emanates.

Closure at the Shire

We spent a few days intentionally to go deeper into the closure, sharing with each other what we have learned, how our ideas and projects evolved while here, talking about ‘reentry’ and how we will deal with what awaits us ‘home’ (where is home?) Looking back, it was easier to see what I have learned here, who, what, how entered my life. But it is not so easy to say ‘I have changed such and such way” until I step out of this space into a more challenging, day-to-day business sort of space. Only then, seeing how I behave, I will be able to say ‘I changed’. So, ask me again in a few months…

Precious little moments

As we were approaching the end, magic filled the air somehow and we (me, Kairi and Piret) started experiencing these special little moments that were genuinely fascinating. Noticing that, we decided that we would try to create an extraordinary experience every day (although I have to admit spontaneity is one of the key ingredients of magic, when one tries to recreate a certain experience, it doesn’t always contain the same flavor) Yet these last two weeks were full of magic for me and some moments were truly memorable.

I think it all started the day we had a short version of ‘vision quest’. As part of our closure procedure, we took half a day to spend in the nature in solitary, to let go of the old patterns, fears and attachments, and to welcome the ‘new’, insights and visions for the future. When we each came back from our ‘power’ points, we had our check-out in Tim’s old truck, as rain started pouring. As we sat there watching the rain wash down the windows, there was almost an unwordly bonding among us in the palpable strangeness of this moment.
Next day the flow continued with my attempt to climb Grandmother Birch in a moment of exuberance. I had to climb up a ladder to reach its lowest branch which was about 4 meters high. As Kairi and Piret supported the ladder, I climbed up, a little tentatively but once I reached the branch it was well worth it. I sat there for a while screaming with joy of what my friend Nora describes best:
“It makes a whole difference in life to climb a tree once in a while, all people should do it, for the feeling of connectedness with the tree you are climbing which supports you, for the love of the view, the different perspective, for the feeling of windiness, for the smell of the bark and sap and for the trembling in your legs and hands if you climb up really high and for the heart beat, you get little bit out of fatigue, little bit out of insecurity, and for the birds which share the branches and fruits with you and who are strangely not afraid of you when you accept their way of being for a moment and for the feeling of jumping back down and hitting the soil hard with your feet and stumbling around for a sec before you get back your balance and for looking up and seeing where you have been and then for hugging the tree of course - doesn’t it feel different down on the ground and high up on the tree??”

The same night, three of us, with a spontaneous urge, went swimming in the lake. The only light we could see were the zillion stars in the glorious sky. I found, there is grace and vivacity in swimming naked, as in walking barefoot; a feeling of oneness with the natural environment that takes away the feelings of ‘separation’ and ‘imprisonment’ in one’s body. There is an immediate relaxation in to the moment with full presence and a letting go of control. As I floated under the mysterious Milky Way, I felt most happy…
The lake was becoming more and more delightful for us, so next day we wanted to try an early morning swim…here is what I wrote down afterwards:
“Walking down the small shady path from the lake to 'home', as rays of sunlight shimmer playfully here and there...I am behind, as usual, taking it slow, watching Kairi and Piret move around the berry bushes, hunting for black berries...I am learning to be like a curious child in the nature, soaking in smells and sights and sounds, tasting the offerings of nature, enjoying the present-perfectness!
Early morning, we are coming from the lake where we swam and laid in the sun...the stillness of the lake in early morning is like nothing else. I read the girls from "grace and grit", Ken Wilber's book about his wife Treya's story, the cancer and her death. one of the most powerful books I've ever read...I read them pages and pages of it, lying there in the sunlight, under the bright blue sky; this amazing woman's story of how she dealt with illness, mortality and spiritual awakening...feeling odd reading about death in such a vivid moment, bursting with life...yet it feels so appropriate...”

And then there were other moments like when we cooked together, or sipped our drinks across sunset at the porch and listened to the evening, or when we went for a walk into the forest in total darkness and looking at stars we speculated about the beginnings of the existence, or when we stepped through the ‘hidden’ door in Kairi’s room and sat on the roof watching shooting stars…
These were all precious little moment that filled my life with awe in the last weeks. And I happily realized that the secret is being able to recognize them, they are always in our lives! It is the ability to see and celebrate life that transforms ‘ordinary’ moments into ‘magic’…

Reflections on a magical summer

It was an interesting summer…well, ok, a little more than interesting. It was a time of intense learning, growth and shift for me. I am really grateful to myself, for being courageous and trusting enough to step into the unknown, grateful to life, for making it possible for finding my way smoothly to the Shire (my position being eliminated at Habitat for Humanity, besides many things)

It takes courage to listen to your inner-voice, to follow your intuition, to push aside ‘the career path’ that was drawn for you, sometimes by your parents from the moment you were inseminated in your mother’s womb, mostly by the society, media and culture. The very lucky ones end up being & doing their ‘calling’ from an early age. Others figure it out along the way during their adult life and sometimes boldly, sometimes hesitantly step into their life work. Some others choose to stick to their so-called reality and burry their head into the sand or get numb in front of their TVs.

There is a vast, diverse, magical, incredible life out there! I chose to explore it…I chose to stop the ticking clock in my head and take time to breathe and see and smell the roses along the way, as well as the thorns. Shire, for me, has been stepping out of linear time, mechanistic paradigm, and consumption culture. I invited serendipity and magic into my life and they came running…hand in hand with diversity, creativity, questions and answers. The three months I spent at the Shire as a volunteer proved to be a chrysalis-like-experience: lots of green, sun and rain to nourish the spirit, lots of people to learn and play with, lots of contemplation and stillness to see and sense myself and my life…In every moment of the adventure, magic settled in, whether it was eating berries from a bush on a sun washed path, or creating a permaculture garden out of cardboard mulch and tasting the peas and cucumbers it produced later on, or meeting the kind of people who opened their hearts so generously that I would find myself amazed, again and again…

I sat with trees, I sat with the wind, I sat with a dog…I sat with many people. I tried to listen to all of them. Here is what I have learned…

Throughout the summer my awareness was heightened on feminine-masculine principles/energies and their play; so I came to see my ‘identity’ better, acknowledging and appreciating certain qualities, and shedding and letting go of others. I discovered the need to have a balance of ‘being-doing’ in my life. There are several depths to this concept: At one level we fill ourselves with ‘doing’, frantically trying to ‘accomplish’ things, change the world, change ourselves, always in motion, always busy with doing something, in search of meaning and in an effort to fulfill the ego and conceal the impermanence and our fear of death. This is the current state of the world, frenzy doing without ‘being’, without knowing who we are, what we ‘really’ want, what life is about…being is the gentle acceptance of what is and the stillness with which we reconnect to our hearts, to the Spirit. In other words, it is recharging our batteries…
On the other hand, there is a possibility of losing the balance in the other direction, by simply being and getting stagnant in no-action. That is where my challenge is: to create a healthy balance of being and doing, which means uniting head and heart, mind and body, intellectual work and physical work, dreaming and creating… Finding my heart between heaven and earth.
I want my ‘doing’ to be a true expression of my ‘being’, of my true nature… I want to nurture my being so I can truly manifest and create from a place of love and compassion.

Shire really helped me to find the ever-present sense of magic, possibility and well-being in everyday life which I believe it would be present for me wherever I go. As I worked on the land I reconnected with the earth which gave me a real sense of groundedness, perfectness and inherent richness in all; I slowly started shifting from a scarcity mindset to one of abundance. In an attempt to understand my “work” patterns, I came to acknowledge and cherish my qualities and gifts and found immense inspiration to put them into the service of life. The trees, the birds, the wind, the lake and Christina Baldwin advised me to do that in a lighthearted and playful manner!
When I interviewed Christina (the interview is also in this blog), this amazing woman told me one secret: “be playful, use your humor to lighten up people and situations; that is your power” She herself was that way. I remember the feelings of lightness and playfulness around her and how much openness that created in people. I didn’t realize the significance of her advice to me until very recently. In my last two weeks at the Shire, this teaching really came forward for me and I vigorously recalled how most of my peak life experiences were bolstered with lightheartedness and playfulness I experienced through connection with others. I also strangely realized that most of the amazing women that I met this summer were genuinely in touch with their feminine quality of nurturing and sustaining from a place of serenity and lightness; that was their real power and wisdom. It was a powerful realization that I am called to create ‘that lighthearted, playful and joyful space’ for people.
Here is what I wrote some time ago:
“There is so much to do and we can’t do everything with heavy hearts. We need to lighten up and be more playful for enspirited action. And with lightness I don’t mean denial of pain and suffering in the world; what I mean is acknowledging and accepting ‘what is’ with more lightness and gentleness so we can go on with the business of living, loving, creating…”
yes, by lightness I do not mean a blissful ignorance and shallow attempts of escape from reality; by lightness I mean liberating ourselves from rejection and denial by allowing ourselves really be in ‘what is’, in the present moment and by accepting our situation, accepting ourselves. (By accepting I mean seeing, recognizing, acknowledging, being one with) By remembering our humanness (imperfectness and constant strive for perfectness) shifting, lifting from the tight knot that imprisons us in despair to a place of lightness and acceptance. Once one shifts from control to surrender, all sorts of possibilities will be visible and available to one. Control is an illusion, I found, it is ‘wanting things to happen my way, that grasping, clinging to my desires’. It is the extra tension that my mind creates which pulls me down to that tight spot of fear and anguish where I cannot act in a healthy manner…
That is why I intentionally work on letting go of control (clinging, grasping to expectations, outcomes that I desire) and being one with what is in lightness and playfulness.

Tik tak, tik tak
Time is ticking, time is passing
What kind of frenzy are we living in?
No breathing, no stopping
Where exactly are we running?

Tik tak tik tak
Stop
Tik tak tik tak
Breathe
Tik tak tik tak
Listen

Can you hear the voice of your soul?
Have you ever wondered about your role?
In the cosmos…

Tik tak tik tak
Turn off the time NOW
Your life is not a pressure cooker
Remember
What you were born for.

What’s next? Innovation Kitchen?

In the last two weeks I have been noticing a lot of caterpillars…small ones, plain ones, colorful ones, hairy ones…they have been climbing on me, falling on me, following me…I figured that this is a sign of transformation I’ve been through…Now that I am stepping out of my chrysalis, I feel I am ready to fly…

As I walked through being me and re-connecting with life and earth at the Shire, I came to see and reaffirm what I want to create in the world: I want to create and host a learning/nourishing/reconnecting space for higher consciousness and sustainable living. I want to create an innovation kitchen! I envision the innovation kitchen to be an interactive learning space where people will gather to cook together (literally), in playful and creative spirit, while they will also ‘cook’ ideas, learn, inspire and get inspired by each other. In a moment of clarity, which Tim midwifed, kitchen concept was born out my best experiences because in my experience food is sacred and nourishing, not only for body but also for mind and spirit, and cooking together, co-creation process invites the playful and creative mood to set in which allows people to connect, share their wisdom and learn genuinely…

I am now in Halifax staying with newly-made-wonderful friends Rory and Ali, enjoying some relaxing time and a wonderful autumn before I head to Europe. I fly to Budapest on September 21st to reconnect with friends and the city before I go to Greece for a long waited adventure. I plan to be in Greece between October 6 – 28, first in Rhodes for a training on democracy (what an appropriate location, eh?) and then hopefully some time exploring nearby islands…
The end of October/early November I hope to put my stake in the ground in Istanbul.
And so the adventure will continue…